Four things grieving moms want you to know this holiday season

Way too many moms are grieving the death of their child this year. For the holidays, I decided I’d like to give every grieving mom the gift of compassionate friends and family. I truly believe that most people want to help, but just don’t know how. So I asked grieving moms what they wanted other people to know about them over the holidays. What did they need to feel supported? And I’m sharing their responses, so you can be better prepared to gift them with your understanding this year.

No means no

Many moms expressed the need to simply have others respect their decisions and ability to know what’s right for them. Many of us say “no” to invitations over the holidays, because celebrating traditions and being around family and festivities without our child is overwhelmingly painful.

I can’t say it any better than this mom: “I just wish they would leave me the f#@k alone. If I have said no to your invitation, don’t keep bugging me. It will not make me feel better to be with your happy family, when I am missing one of my own.”

And this mom: “I had a friend insist we all gather… I said ‘no thank you, not in’. So she surprised me with a limo and picked me up and took me to lunch with friends. I wanted to vomit and scream at the same time. I stuck it out but never ever forgot how painful it was to sit through… I really wanted to be alone, by myself, no one around me, empty house, nothings. So yeah. All people have to do is listen.”

What you can do, if a grieving mom says no to your invitation, is tell them you understand and respect their decicsion. But let them know that if they change their mind, even at the last minute, they’ll be welcome. No pressure, just a warm and real invite.

Don’t complain to us about your children

If you have children, we know you’re going to talk about them—it’s what we, as moms do. Grieving moms understand this and if they really aren’t ready to hear about your children, they’ll stay home (see above). So, by all means, share. But please be thoughtful.

Complaining about your children is especially hard for a grieving mom to hear because, really, we would love to have your problems. We would do the happiest of all happy dances if we could be annoyed by our child again. It feels a bit like a billionare complaining about the price of gas to a homeless person.

One mom put it this way: “It’s really hard to listen to people dwell on how their daughter or son… won’t be coming until Christmas Day. How it ruins family tradition because you always have Christmas Eve with them. That straight up pisses me off. Think who you’re talking to! How about never having them there again?”

I also have an almost urgent need for other moms to be grateful for their living children and keep the small stuff in perspective. In my mind, a living child is a perfect child – exactly as they are. Who cares if your kid is dating someone you don’t like? Does it really matter if they’re floundering to find their way through college? It’s not the end of the world if your daughter’s injury keeps her off the team the rest of the season. They’re alive! They’ll figure it out. I must admit, I’m not very patient listening to ungrateful-sounding parents anymore. But this does not apply to moms who are legitimately worried over a life-and-death situation. That, I have all the time in the world for.  

Say their name

As one mom says: “Just know whatever the grief, we want hear their name. Just say ‘Adam’”.

I had no idea how powerfully important it is to hear a loved one’s name, until I was confronted with silence. This mom’s experience is all too common: “I wish that the extended family… could at least mention Aaron. He grew up with all of them, all the cousins were extremely close. We spent every family birthday, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas together… and still do. They all loved him but no one mentions him now and this will be the second Christmas without him. It's so unbelievably lonesome and painfully sad without him and this makes it like he never existed… I wish they would say his name and still talk about him at least some of the time.”

And this mom: “I wish they would know that I still want to say her name, I want to talk about the Christmas pasts when she was here.”

And this: “What makes me feel hopeful is knowing that people love my son and feel free to say his name, remember him, and do good things for others who are still suffering, in his memory.”

Know that it’s not easy and we’re doing our best

It’s easy to think that if we look okay, we’re doing okay, but that’s probably not true. It’s also easy to think that if we seem like we’re a mess, we’re not trying our best. That’s also not likely true. Even if you can’t understand the pain of losing a child, you can still know and acknowledge that we’re in pain.

“I wish people understood how difficult those 1sts are,” one mom told me. Another said how hard it is for her “to say the words ‘Merry Christmas’ and all I can get out is ‘Seasons Greetings’.”

Another told me, “I wish they knew how much hard work goes into acting like them during special occasions which they celebrate with their families. To watch the smiles, well wishes and joyful moments but to know I don't have the deep joy I once had. But I'm trying my best.”

And another: “Christmas is the hardest holiday of the year. I wish people would understand that even though I appear ok on the outside, on the inside I’m falling apart. It’s hard because everyone expects you to be happy and so filled with joy at Christmas. The hardest part is looking at an empty chair that your loved one should be sitting in.”

Yes, that empty chair. One mom says this: ”Nothing screams louder in a room full of noisy people than the empty place where your child should be. It’s there, you see it, you feel it, you just wish someone else would notice and say something to comfort you.”

So, dear friend or family member: this was not meant to be a downer, truly. It was just a small glimpse into the minds and hearts of grieving moms. Some of these messages may feel uncomfortable to you, and that’s okay. We, as grieving moms, appreaciate you caring enough to learn and be uncomfortable. We appreciate the thoughtfulness you can now show us this holiday season. Most of all, we appreciate you. Because we now know how incredibly precious the people in our lives are.