Finding my voice: A dialogue with myself
FADE IN:
INTERIOR OF HOME — NIGHT
MYSELF, a middle-aged woman with a cat on her lap, sits in front of her laptop, right index finger hovering over the “Publish” button. She’s about to publish her first personal blog post. Or not. She takes a couple of deep breaths, then scrunches up her face and pulls her hand away from the computer.
STRONG SELF
Hey, you’re nervous about this new blog, huh? Why’s that?
INSECURE SELF
Yeah, I am. Sorry, I know I’m weird. But it might upset somebody. Or it might make me look stupid, like I think I’m important, or some really great writer, when I’m not either one. And my friends and family might feel like they have to read it, and say it’s great, when they don’t want to and it’s not. And none of that really matters because nobody’s going to read it anyway.
STRONG SELF
Whoa. That’s a lot going on there.
INSECURE SELF
Yeah.
STRONG SELF
Are any of those things actually true? Is it possible they’re just stories you’re telling yourself?
INSECURE SELF
Well, some people don’t like it when I talk about family and mental health issues. In certain contexts. I do know that, because they’ve told me.
STRONG SELF
OK. Is there a way to make them more comfortable, without staying silent?
INSECURE SELF
I suppose, yes. It’s not that hard, really. But maybe they still won’t be happy.
STRONG SELF
It’s not your job to make them happy. What about the rest of it? Is anything else true?
INSECURE SELF
Well, I’m just me. I’ve learned some stuff, but not that much if I’m being honest. And I’ve lived through some things, but so has everybody else. And I do know that my writing is not stellar. It’s adequate for hobby blogging, but people won’t visit my site for the shear joy of my prose.
STRONG SELF
Are you never inspired or entertained by ordinary people sharing ordinary stuff? Do you really believe that only exceptional writers with exceptional lives are qualified to have a voice?
INSECURE SELF
No, of course not.
STRONG SELF
So, if you admire ordinary people who share ordinary insights in an ordinary way, then what’s the problem?
INSECURE SELF
(whispering)
Because I have a dirty little secret.
(leaning closer, so nobody can overhear)
I don’t want to be ordinary. There. I said it.
STRONG SELF
That’s it? That’s your secret? That’s a very ordinary secret, I’m afraid.
INSECURE SELF
I know. It’s sad.
STRONG SELF
OK, let’s leave that for now. Why don’t you think people will be interested in what you have to say?
INSECURE SELF
Well, everybody wants to see kittens and rainbows and food photos, and I just want to write about doom and gloom. And not even extreme, entertaining doom. Just garden-variety, dime-a-dozen gloom.
STRONG SELF
The world doesn’t need more kittens and rainbows and food photos, there are lots of those already. And, really? You’re all doom and gloom? No hope in there at all? No love? No odd sparks of humour and joy? Pfft. You’re not talking sense. I’ve heard people tell you they love reading what you write. I’ve heard people say they want to read more. That you inspire them. I don’t buy what you’re dishing out, Insecure Self. Tell me what you’re really scared of.
INSECURE SELF
(remains silent, begins to get teary.)
STRONG SELF
Go on. I’m listening.
INSECURE SELF
People will get to know me and find me lacking. I’ll have nothing valuable to say. And then I’ll know that even if I do speak up, people still won’t listen because I’m not interesting. I’m not important. I have no value to anyone. At least now, I can pretend that people might find me interesting, and valuable, if I ever choose to speak up.
STRONG SELF
So, your silence keeps you safe.
INSECURE SELF
Yes. I like being unseen.
STRONG SELF
That’s a lie.
INSECURE SELF
Well, it used to be true.
STRONG SELF
What changed?
INSECURE SELF
Life. Death. Middle age, I don’t know. But what’s the point of my living – and then dying – if I’m invisible through it all? What’s the point if I’m too scared to have a voice and say what I think and feel and believe? I’ve had enough of that. I can’t live like that anymore.
STRONG SELF
Good. I’m glad. It was cramping my style. But I can see why you’re scared. I understand. And I don’t think your fear is going away anytime soon, so let’s just be OK with it. Even scared, it sounds like this blog is something you need to do. I think that’s brave.
How about this: When you get scared, remember that you’re loved. Think of all the people who truly, truly love you. There are lots. Like me, for starts. And, I love your voice! I’ve never heard anything quite like it. I want more of your voice. I like hearing what you have to say more than I like rainbows and food photos. It’s a bit of a draw with the kittens, but I don’t feel the need to choose favourites there. I think you should just write to me and not worry about anybody else. OK?
INSECURE SELF
(wiping her teary eyes and smiling)
OK, I can do that.
STRONG SELF
Good. And anybody who doesn’t like what you have to say can go suck monkey balls.
INSECURE SELF
(laughing now, slightly manic)
Yes! Monkey balls for the masses!
STRONG SELF
No, silly, I think it will be monkey balls for only a very few.
(presses “Publish”)
FADE OUT.