How to help a friend who has a child in active addiction

Sometimes, it’s hard for parents to speak about their child who is in active addiction. Friends and family love to ask about our kids, but the usual, “How’s Hayden getting along in university?”, or “How does Arya like her new job?”, doesn’t land well when your kid can’t, in that moment, live up to what society expects of a young person. When somebody doesn’t know our child’s situation, it can be awkward and embarrassing to answer even the most innocent questions (“What’s Benji up to these days?). And if they do know, but don’t ask anything about them, it feels as if our child is overlooked; an embarrassment, not to be spoken of.

So, if you have a friend or family member who has a teen or young adult in active addiction, I know it’s not easy for you to make it easier for them. It’s natural to feel helpless when we can’t make things better for people we care about, but you can help.

Helpful things to say to a parent with a child in active addiction

First of all, say something. If you don’t acknowledge their child, it feels like their child is unmentionable. You could ask, with curiosity and compassion: “How’s he doing?” Or,  “Have you heard from her lately?” Depending on their circumstances, you could ask if their kid needs anything like socks and underwear or toiletries that you could drop off to them. Or some homemade meals or cookies. If their child is on the streets, you could let your friend know that you’re thinking of their kid; share a memory or ask if there’s an organization you could donate to that might be of help.

Ask how your friend is doing, and how they’re dealing with their child’s addiction. Listen, and then be helpful if you can. If they advocate, offer to go with them to a rally or event of some sort. If they’re curious about attending a support group, but are nervous, offer to go with them. If they’re lacking fun and enjoyment, take them out to a movie or comedy show. If they’re feeling overwhelmed, offer to make them some homemade meals or help them get caught up on laundry or find the contact info for a counsellor for them. That thoughtfulness goes a long way.

But the most important thing you can say, after you ask that first question, may be nothing. Instead, just listen. Really, truly listen to what your friend has to say about how her kid is, and how she’s feeling about it. Acknowledge that. Without judgement, or putting your own opinions or experience in there, just ask them questions and listen without trying to fix things or make them feel better. That’s an extremely rare gift for parents of teens struggling with addiction.

Not so helpful things

Being a parent of a teenager in addiction is hard enough. Let’s not make it even harder by doing these things:

Comparing your “normal” kid’s struggles to their child’s struggles. I once confided to a friend how my son’s addiction was preventing him from keeping a job and it was breaking my heart. She told me she understood because her daughter was so upset with herself for not getting a B in some class and jeopardizing her position on the honour role. My friend wanted to create a connection between us of concerned parents who both hate to see our kids in pain but… yeah, don’t do that. There is no comparison between an honour role student and a teen struggling with addiction and mental illness. In fact, unless you’ve had a kid in addiction, don’t compare your kid or your parenting experience to theirs at all. You have no idea.

Telling them you’re sure this is just a phase and he’ll grow out of it. Don’t paint rosy pictures or feel it’s your duty to point out every silver lining. Those just feel dismissive of the genuine and understandable pain and worry that your friend has.

Getting mad at their kid, on their behalf. Don’t say things like, “She has no right treating you like that!” Of course not! We, as parents, know that already. But grounding certain kids is not an option (I’ve never understood how to enforce that, when a kid just doesn’t care), and tossing a teen out on the streets can feel like a death sentence. All we hear, when we hear these things, is that you think it’s a parenting problem. Honest to God, it’s not.

Telling your friend how much you admire her strength. I can’t count the times I’ve heard, “You’re so strong. There’s no way I’d be able to go through what you are.” The reality is, you would if you had to. It’s not strength that carries us through, it’s survival. Our bodies just keep on breathing. We’re no different from you, and when we keep hearing how strong we are, it feels like our inner struggles and pain are not seen.

Giving advice, no matter how heartfelt. Don’t tell us our kid needs tough love, or gentle understanding, or magic pixie dust. Don’t tell us what we need to do, as if you have some silver bullet of knowledge that never occurred to us and will make everything right. We are for sure doing the best we can, with much more insight into the situation than you have.

If you want to help, just give us a hug. Or a gift certificate for a massage.